SAINTS PRESERVE US

I’m Not Buying It

One of the liquor stores I pop into from time to time has a bitcoin machine situated by the cash register. It looks like a standard ATM. I don’t know if the user buys an entire bitcoin or a fraction of one. I don’t understand how cryptocurrency leaps from an ATM in to the buyer’s wallet. I’ve no idea where and how people can spend bitcoin. I can’t grasp bitcoin mining and blockchain technology. A standalone machine in a low rent liquor store in no way suggests a safe investment vehicle nor a secure and documented transaction to me.

But I know what I know and I know advertising and marketing. A classic ploy is the celebrity endorsement. The immediate payoff is the newsworthiness of the publicity and subsequent hype: Keith Richards is hawking Louis Vuitton luggage. The long term payoff is more of an ethereal gamble. Ideally, the target market will impose its perception of the celebrity’s attributes onto the brand and product: Keith Richards, cooler than thou, understands the legendary high quality of Louis Vuitton.

Signing up a brand ambassador is risky business because real people tend not to behave like tame mascots. Traditionally, if things went sideways there was mutually assured destruction, both parties, the celebrity and the brand, losing that “itness,” that incalculable cachet. A recent example is the nasty breakup of Adidas and hip-hopper Kanye West (aka Yeezus, Yeezy and Ye). Fashion is a huge component of popular music. Why not partner with one of the world’s biggest stars if he wants to design his own sneaker? Look what Michael Jordan did for Nike! Now, Jordan got old and maybe a little distracted by baseball but he didn’t become completely unhinged. Adidas now has a stock issue: millions of dollars’ worth of unsold Kanye runners and a share price not much higher than a rubber sole.

While no single condition can define a society, we live currently in hyper-sensitive times. Everybody’s been victimized and everybody’s outraged. Consequently, contemporary circumstances create scenarios for celebrity corporate mouthpieces to damage their reputations with little or no blowback on their paymasters’. Hockey players Connor McDavid and Wayne Gretzky endorse BetMGM, a sportsbook. What gaming syndicate wouldn’t want to be associated with great players, winners? It’s a perfect fit, a marketer’s dream, synergistic attributes. The rut in the ice is that many Canadians inexplicably insist on viewing professional hockey through the sepia tones of rose-coloured glasses. So, McDavid and Gretzky shilling a societal scourge is anathema. Think of the children! Gordie Howe never did that! Gordie Howe was never presented with that particular attractive financial opportunity.

The invention and subsequent sales and marketing of cyrptocurrencies have since dug a third pitfall or perhaps, pratfall, for celebrity parrots. Cyrptocurrency is a speculative form of universal money-like stuff whose value cannot be guaranteed by the assets of any national central bank in existence. Also, should you ever need to launder actual cash money… 

Last fall the FTX cryptocurrency exchange opened its ledger book right to America’s Chapter 11. Its founder Sam Bankman-Fried now faces more criminal fraud charges than there are ones and zeros in a string of code. But Bankman-Fried understood the power of celebrity. Perhaps that’s all he aspired to be no matter the means. Then again, maybe he understood the sway of the spotlight, the lure of the pitch, on a gullible, ordinary average guy who feels entitled to his share of the big time. Bankman-Fried’s brand ambassador was Tom Brady, a football player and arguably one of the greatest quarterbacks to line up under centre ever. Brady is now being sued by stiffed and busted FTX investors because they listened to him (and there’s no one left to go after). They believed a man who played a violent sport for decades was also Milton Friedman. And, anyway, what could be more “blue chip” than bitcoin and ethereum?

In for a bit, in for a byte: America’s Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) last October fined uber C-lister Kim Kardashian’s implants $1.26-million for being a… well, a token or two short of integrity or, essentially, what passes the sniff test for cryptocurrency manipulation on social media. The SEC in March charged (among others) noted financial guru and Warren Buffet acolyte Lindsay Lohan, such a nice stable girl, with illegally promoting crypto assets. Would you buy anything, anything at all on these people’s paid carny barking recommendation? Would you!? God, it’s like Paris Hilton promoting Super 8. Check that, she would if the money was right; I’m not sure if she’s under investigation for her own celebrity crypto gig yet.

Let me now return to Keith Richards and Louis Vuitton, the story of a very wealthy, nomadic musician and very expensive designer label luggage. I am not Keith Richards; I cannot afford Louis Vuitton duffle bags. Keith hasn’t hauled his own luggage since, I don’t know, 1965. Considering some of his documented habits, his luggage probably could never be connected to him anywhere in any way. But he’s travelled the globe enough times to at least have an association with suitcases and carry-ons. Louis Vuitton does not manufacture guitar cases. Still, neither party went, in that cringe inducing public relations phrase, “off brand” in this instance especially as the model’s appearance fee was paid directly to a charity.

Years ago Detroit rocker Bob Seger was accused of selling out for allowing “Like a Rock” to be used in a long running Chevrolet advertising campaign. He said if his song helped General Motors sell more vehicles assembled in his hometown (and by his audience), he was fine with that. His campaign royalties were funneled to the auto workers union. That is “on brand.” The ad campaign was revived in the oughts to the tune of “Our Country,” a song by John Mellencamp. He cited the same rustbelt, heartland motivation as Seger, adding that since his career had ended with The Lonesome Jubilee in the ears of commercial radio, he needed an alternative avenue to reach his audience. That honesty, no bullshit, no spin, is on brand.

I was about to use “truth,” “trust” and “advertising” in a positive context in the same sentence. No, it can’t be done, there’s no blue moon on July’s kitchen calendar page. Just assume every celebrity mouthpiece doesn’t know, understand or care what they’re talking about; it doesn’t matter if you’re buying or hiring, be wary, be aware. 

meGeoff has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of gushing celebrity coverage since 2013. The novella Of Course You Did is my latest book. Visit www.megeoff.com for links to purchase it in your preferred format from assorted retailers.