A FAN’S NOTES

Pedantic Controversy

I placed an urgent phone call to my American refugee (2023’s Independence Day gun carnage was just business as usual) neighbour Ted last week. I suspect he dreads seeing me displayed on his caller ID. I telephoned him thirteen times last year. Eleven of those were to ask if I could borrow his lawnmower (a long story and this one will be long enough). Another question I had for him was whether or not a light switch casting blue sparks was anything I should worry about. Ted was over in a flash, like shot to fix that because his infill home is awfully close to the Crooked 9 and, anyway, he knows about stuff like that and didn’t he just happen to have a new switch in his workshop? My last question was, “Kentucky liberal arts college, five letters beginning with B.”

My latest call to Ted began with a lengthy preamble: “Okay, you’re from the Midwest, Cincinnati or Indiana or somewhere. We pretty much like the same music. So, you know Mellencamp’s or John Cougar’s ‘Jack and Diane.’ I suspect you’ve been to a Tastee Freeze. My question to you is, what’s a chili dog?”

“Yeah, he’s from Columbus or Bloomington, I’m not sure. A chili dog is a hot dog with chili, cheese and onions. Why are you asking me this?”

“Are you busy? Am I interrupting anything? Have you got a minute? It’s a long story.”

“Go on.”

“Well…”

Ain’t gonna eat no rice and beans, ain’t gonna suck on a chili dog… (Garland Jeffreys, “Spanish Town”)

Suckin’ on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freeze, Diane’s sittin’ on Jack’s lap… (John Mellencamp, “Jack and Diane”)

Now, let us immerse ourselves in the vortex of insanity that is social media – although this topic is harmless enough. Someone reposted a bit of music criticism that said in part that John Mellencamp owes his entire career to Garland Jeffreys. Social media is rife with provocative, sweeping statements. These artists are two distinct (Jeffreys is inner city New York, “14 Steps to Harlem”) and distinctly American rock voices. If Mellencamp is indebted to anyone or anything it’s the Stones, side two of Springsteen’s The Wild, the Innocent and the E Street Shuffle (“Small Paradise,” “I Need a Lover,” “Chinatown”) and let’s not forget James Brown. Somebody else replied that the original post was probably a facetious allusion to the “chili dog” line. I suggested Mellencamp’s “chili dog” was more tribute than rip-off and, anyway, there’s only one way to eat one. Another poster quickly corrected me, saying a “chili dog” was in fact an iced drink.

Better call Ted.

Now, the potential transubstantiation of a hot dog loaded with goop into a waxed paper cup filled with goop is a simple shuffle of a mental image. I imagine a Bible scholar or constitutional lawyer would have a very different and perhaps more intense reaction upon being informed they’d misinterpreted a portion of “sacred” text their entire careers. And then, of course, there was the likelihood that the “chili dog-chilled drink” poster is a moron. The rules of social media engagement dictate the utter futility and pointlessness of rational discussion and, besides, the definition of a chili dog is no mound of carbs to die on. And, extrapolating from Tastee Freeze, I’d expect that corporation to serve up, I don’t know, a “Chillee Dawg” beverage or something.

I was reminded of another recent, raging controversy. In “Thunder Road” does Mary’s dress, as much as it possesses the free will to do anything, wave or sway? “Waves” evokes a fluttering hemline in the draught of a slamming screen door. “Sways” is more erotic; Mary dancing to what must be “Only the Lonely,” her swaying hips arousing the driver and narrator. I saw Springsteen on a late night talk show that wasn’t Carson or Letterman and so I don’t know whose and he said he’d been singing “sways” forever and that he missed the error on the Born to Run sleeve. On the other hand, there were no amendments in the anniversary box set nor the Songs coffee table book of his lyrics (and, dear me, there are some glaring typographical errors in the liner notes on a couple of his recent releases). The pluralized “whey” sound dominates all the live versions I have and since Springsteen was not trained in elocution by an Anglican choirmaster, I’ve no clue: “Takealoadofffannie” so to speak.

Ted and his family were guests of the Crooked 9 this past Canada Day long weekend. The first thing he did was pull out his phone to show me a picture of a Tastee Freeze chili dog, an actual chili dog with cheese and onions. I handed him a beer. I said, “What are your thoughts on the ‘pompatus of love’?”

meGeoff has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of rock and roll writing since 2013. I Got This is the latest single from Calgary's Muster Point Project. I wrote the lyrics. Check out the animated lyric video on YouTube.