SAINTS PRESERVE US

Royals Shocker: Will and Kate Made Me Wear Nazi Uniform!

Oh, spare me.

Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, self-exiled Royal, is media shy. The British, indeed global, media has made his 38 years on Earth as an accidental celebrity a living hell. He has complained about this on an Oprah special, for six hours on Netflix and in promotional interviews for his just published memoir Spare. Luckily, he’s able to tell the world that he just wants to be left alone. You see, he’s just like you and me except for his dysfunctional, racist family whose evil minions continually hatch nefarious plots against him. Fortunately for him, palace intrigue these days is more Hello! than Macbeth.

Apparently, his brother William, Duke of Cambridge, Prince of Wales and heir to the throne currently sat upon by their father King Charles III, knocked him over during an argument and tore his necklace! His big brother also encouraged him to wear a Nazi uniform to a dress-up party; he had planned to attend as an air force pilot. Harry maintains he has a mind of his own; after all he didn’t need his brother’s urging to visit a psychic for a chat with mummy.

I embrace living in Canada’s inherited form of democracy, a constitutional monarchy. I believe that subtle distinction between the permanence of the state and its government of the day is an important one. My view necessitates accepting the Royal Family as a legitimate institution, albeit a modern one, built to serve. I’m aware too that the House of Windsor did not achieve its lofty status in Great Britain and the Commonwealth because God willed it. And I’m painfully aware that due to the nature of royal alliances in earlier ages, some of the family’s genes feature dotted T’s and crossed I’s.

People whose careers coincide with their passions are lucky indeed. Too many of us suck it up and tough it out, always hoping circumstances may change. Harry’s grandmother had Roman numerals thrust upon her. Of course, Queen of England etc etc doesn’t really register on the “Things Could Always Be Worse” scale of job satisfaction. Still, by all accounts Elizabeth II made a concentrated and concerted effort to do the very best she could in her role. If there’s one quality Harry could’ve learned at his grandmother’s knee, it’s dignity. Perhaps he’s as thick as Uncle Andrew.

Another excerpt from Harry’s memoir reveals his ten years in the British military to be the happiest days of his life. He killed 25 Taliban insurgents during his two tours of Afghanistan. I wish he’d killed 50. I bet every woman in the world wishes he’d killed ‘em all. My impression here is of a guy in an important service job; he loves it and he’s good at it. This guy doesn’t jibe with the one moaning about a torn necklace. This guy doesn’t jibe with the one who trademarked “Royal Sussex” to sell all manner of shit over the internet.

So the family firm held no appeal. Harry had the obvious option of a discreet, meaningful and dignified life in uniform. And better yet, they’re not just plain khaki anymore, they come in camouflage now. All in all a more attractive career than that of a whiny toff, a magnet for popular contempt. He’s certainly demonstrated an ability to walk away. If only Harry would keep on walking and keep quiet while the rest of us get on with our more mundane realities. Go on, beat it, get outta here.      

meGeoff has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of breathless Royals coverage since 2013. The novella Of Course You Did is my latest book. Visit www.megeoff.com for links to purchase it in your preferred format from various retailers.