SAINTS PRESERVE US

Stick It Where…

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle and wellness company is coming to Canada! I’m twitterpated, lurching like an overweight Mick Jagger around the Crooked 9 in my non-chafing Lululemon athleisure wear!

On a related note, Ann and I went out for dinner last night. We were delighted to discover a new Mexican restaurant on the south side called Huma. Ann enjoyed delicious and spicy chorizo tacos. I had a beef burrito. The hot burrito was a thousand times better than the ones I buy at the 7-11 for less than a dollar and, alas, a thousand times more massive; I cannot pack away the groceries as I used to do, my hollow leg has withered over time.

I did however manage a few more beers when we got home. Consequently, attending church this morning was not a viable option. I’m delicate. Sensing a magical solution to my plight was just a phone call away, I rang up Goop Canada. The full, complete, entire, unexpurgated transcript is below.

Medically Trained Goop Marketing and Sales Consultant: Good morning! Live your dreams in the moment! This is Goop Canada. I want to help you today and maximize your wellness because you’re worth it!

meGeoff: Uh, hi. I’m not feeling-

MTGMSC: Fresh?

meG: Uh, a bit bloated actually, heavy, swollen. I ate-

MTGMSC: Love your body! Only you are you! May I suggest a vaginal steaming appliance?

meG: Uh, like carpet cleaning?

MTGMSC: Silly! It’s anecdotally proven to-

meG: Uh, what if I have a Brazilian, uh, a runner, as opposed to an area rug, broadloom, if you understand what I mean?

MTGMSC: It comes with adaptors because everybody is unique and special!

meG: Uh, see, well, I don’t actually have a vagina. I mean, uh, I really like them but-

MTGMSC: There’s always a different approach! A different solution! May I suggest Goop’s coffee enema kit? It’s a beautifully designed apparatus and very simple to operate!

meG: Uh, gee, well, the plumber was here the other day, over at the house. Our kitchen sink was clogged and none of those commercial drain cleaners had worked. Anyways, he said the worst things you can insert into your pipes are coffee grounds. They really bung up the plumbing.

MTGMSC: Goop’s beverage is a pre-measured mixture of soy, almond milk, mocha and cinnamon! Yum! It’s good enough to enjoy all by itself in a mug! Many of our wonderful Goop members do! You simply stick it in the microwave!

meG: You heat it up? Boil it?

MTGMSC: Oh, for sure! You want a nice, spuming froth!

meG: Uh, I don’t know… I’m not sure Goop products are right for me.

MTGMSC: Why don’t you sign up for our e-mail or Facebook club? Gwyneth will send you daily affirmations of positivity and wellness written by her spiritual mentors Suzanne Somers and Louise Hay!

meG: Trite aphorisms? I’m not sure they’re my cup of meat.

MTGMSC: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! You eat meat?

meG: It’s an expression, a Dylan lyric from ‘Quinn the Eskimo.’

MTGMSC: But, but you eat meat!?

meG: Uh, sure, beef, pork, chicken, goat and sheep. Love cured and processed deli meats. I live in Alberta, eh? So I’ve eaten bison, moose, bear, elk, deer and, come to think of it, probably horse because I’ve had IKEA meatballs and God knows what you get in some of those dodgier burger joints. Hey, just last night I went to a Mexican restaurant.

MTGMSC: I’m going to be sick.

meG: You can probably take some Goop widget for that, a sharpened New Age crystal to shove into an orifice? You must qualify for an employee discount?

MTGMSC: (Garbled, indistinct.)

My new novel The Garage Sailor is ready to ship. Get aboard at Megeoff.com.