EDMONTON EXISTENTIAL

“Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign”

Clutter is an undefined crime, it’s not in the books. The flaw of indifference manifested and alluded to in sleek, glossy lifestyle and civic bylaws, that grey area between “Alice’s Restaurant” dumping and hoarding. Clutter thrives in cyberspace, replicating like a virus. It rides the airwaves. It is the embarrassing and involuntary white noise of society assaulting you out on the street. It honks, it beeps, it pings, it blinks, it winks, it redirects traffic, it blocks traffic, it parks on the sidewalk. John Updike wrote “dirt is matter out of place.” Clutter is stuff out of place. Lots of it. It hurts my eyes and ears and tries my patience. Clutter is entropy.

“Zere vill be order! Und ze order vill be enforced!” Who knew I was a closet fascist except for Friday night cosplay. But seriously wokes …

Lawn signs are a particularly irksome bugbear of mine. They appear like dandelions in Edmonton. Everywhere. Coroplast is the commercial name of a fluted plastic product – imagine a piece of cardboard that may or may not breakdown in landfill until sometime late next century. Durable. Like quality plywood it ships in 4’x8’ sheets, two sides good. The most efficient trim size for a stand out lawn sign from an efficient mass production standpoint is 24”x18,” no bleed. A proper sign comes complete with a rugby goalpost wire stand: ram it up and jam it down.

Placing lawn signs is a classic party promotional procedure during an election campaign. Anecdotal evidence suggests they create word-of-mouth buzz or a form of it. Should there be enough of a particular partisan colour on a street or in a neighbourhood, an undecided voter may opt to join the herd. (God knows we’re all good at that.) The other good thing about election signs is that parties are obligated to get their clutter off people’s lawns in a timely manner once the polls have closed. Alas, those regulations don’t apply to causes.

Alberta is United Conservative in all her majesty. Danielle Smith, our glib and shrill premier, tends to float illiberal and ill-considered future policy initiatives with one of two preferred prefaces: “I have heard …” or “People tell me …” Each public musing fertilizes a new crop of plastic dandelions. For the sake of further provincial autonomy, should Alberta withdraw from the Canada Pension Plan? HANDS OFF OUR CPP! The latest blight reads FOREVER CANADIAN. That sentiment may remain true for weeks to come even though Smith’s inane, expensive and failed exercise in direct democracy wrapped over a week ago.

Messages of admonishment and dissent up and down my street are difficult to ignore and difficult to dispute. Neighbourhood redevelopment begs the application of the Universal Law of Wham!: “If you’re gonna do it, do it right, now!” Proper urban planning is not in the Canadian Criminal Code, but running over children at play at high speed is. Ones advocating literacy and proper funding for all levels, aspects and forms of education demand a definitive Animal House statement: KNOWLEDGE IS GOOD. Book banning bad. And maybe Alberta’s healthcare system requires a lot more funding and planning, and more diligent oversight than four health ministers and an active RCMP probe into procurement shenanigans including alleged bribery and money laundering can provide. Curiously, Smith, the Banshee of Invermectin, dislikes the presence of federal police in her province. She’s been told and she has heard that Albertans would prefer their own provincial police force. The deflective signs are not positive.

Climate change, conservation and ecology: inarguably short- and long-term concerns. Possibly crises. Alarms printed on industrial plastic. What is irony if you mean well? Anyway, there must be a landfill nearby.

Before too long the mass-produced outrage, that deeply personal statement upon installation, fades like sun-bleached ink. The messages no longer register; illegible clutter as meaningless eyesores. Lawns as Coroplast sties. Elected ineptitude and the 24-hour news cycle always ensure there’s room for at least one or two more weeds of complaint.

Dispatches from the Crooked 9 is your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of everything meaningless. No AI and little intelligence of any sort since 2013! Visit my companion site  www.megeoff.com to buy my last couple of books. You can also listen to songs I’ve co-written with The Muster Point Project before scooting over to its YouTube channel.