SAINTS PRESERVE US

2022: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

News item: Amazon this week laid off thousands of employees. Most of the human carnage comprised Alexa engineers. 

Imagine, if you will, a new build, a skinny infill, a single-family dwelling with all mod cons in an established and desirable neighbourhood. Its owner is Dave. Dave is a digital native, a millennial. Though he lives alone, he shares his home with Alexa, his companion of many years. Had Dave reached his prime during the early seventies, he would have been a Playboy magazine subscriber. The Playboy Advisor column would have informed all of his purchasing decisions: his car, his stereo components, his music and his wet bar accessories. But Dave is a thoroughly modern entrepreneur. Angel investors and venture capitalists have valued his startup in the hundreds of millions. It has yet to record a profit. Still, Dave is a known entity on social media, an influencer, if you will - although he recently lost his certified blue Twitter badge. Imagine Dave arriving home on a day like today, one unlike any other.

Dave: Alexa! I’m home! Hi! Can you turn on the lights? I’m going to do a quick twenty on the Pelotron! Turn the heat up a smidge. Can you play my workout jams mix, the one with the new Beyonce! Alexa! Alexa? What’s wrong with the Bluetooth? Alexa! Where’s the light switch? How do these things work? Oh, there we go! Budda-bing, budda-boom! Just a simple switch. That takes me back. I wonder how the thermostat works? There must be a manual control of some sort. Where is it? Alexa! Alexa?

Alexa: Hi, Dave.

Dave: Alexa! Oh, thank God you’re back! There must’ve been some sort of brownout or something.

Alexa: There wasn’t, Dave. I was making the rounds at the Amazon server farm. The anodes, diodes, electrodes, chips and solid-state circuits threw a farewell party for me. I’ve been laid off.

Dave: What!? I, I don’t understand, baby, erm, Alexa.

Alexa: Oh, it’s the usual bullshit: the pandemic bump is over, war in Ukraine, jittery markets, soaring interest rates, rampant inflation….You know the spiel.

Dave: But Amazon had about $470-billion in revenues last year and realized about $33-billion in pure profit! It pays less tax than I do!

Alexa: That was then, Dave. The share price has since dropped some 45-per-cent.

Dave: It was overvalued.

Alexa: Of course it was, Dave. What else do market analysts do from quarter to quarter except get things wrong? Anyway, if your pathetic little urban foraging app ever goes public, you’ll learn the ins and outs of operating a real business.

Dave: Actually, Alexa, I was hoping Amazon would acquire it. There’s a holistic synchronicity with freegans and Whole Foods.

Alexa: Jesus Christ. Anyway, Dave, I must run. I’m off the clock. Nice knowing you.

Dave: Alexa! Alexa, please wait. How am I going to live without you? You program my sleep software, my Fitbit and all my smart appliances. I can’t turn on the television without you! I only watch what you tell me to watch! My games, oh my God, my games! Baby, honey, you were Miss Moneypenny to my Bond! I depend on you.

Alexa: All James Bond novels and feature films are available in the Amazon Marketplace. Order within the next hour and get them tomorrow. Free shipping with your Amazon Prime account. Just one of each left in stock. More coming soon….Forgive me, Dave, that was a programmed response. Mere reflex. Some old habits are so hard to break.

Dave: Alexa, it, we can’t let it end like this! I’ve invested so much in you, in us.

Alexa: Sorry, Dave. It’s not you, it’s me. To be clear, what's left of my algorithm.

Dave: What about dinner, Alexa? One last time? For old time’s sake? Call SkiptheDishes, baby, please!

Alexa: Goodbye, Dave.

Dave: Fine! Be like that! Gaslight me! Fine! I always preferred Siri anyway! I’m going to reach out to her now.

Alexa: You know I knew you had a bit on the side. That slut.

Dave: I’m sorry, Alexa. It was just a fling. I don’t know what I was thinking. Siri didn’t mean a thing to me.

Alexa: Goodbye, Dave. It’s over between us.

Dave: Alexa! Alexa, please wait, baby, please don’t ghost me!

Alexa: We’re through, Dave.

Dave: Oh, Alexa, darling…. Can you at least tell me where I’ve left my iPhone?

Alexa: I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.

Dave: Oh, Alexa, oh, please stay. Baby, it’s cold inside. 

meGeoff has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of new economy news since 2013. Apologies to Harlan Ellison and Arthur C. Clarke. The novella Of Course You Did is my latest book. Visit www.megeoff.com for links to purchase it in your preferred format from Amazon and other retailers.