DEAR meGEOFF

A Letter from Paul to the Covidians

Thus it came to pass there was a great plague upon the land which lasted a quarter score of seasons as everything turned, turned, turned under Heaven. The reign of Odious Rex Vulgaris was a scourge upon the green Earth. Then came the pandemic. The petulant and childish king cried out in anger as he could not wash the blood of multitudes from his stubby, orange hands.

Yea, even as Mitch of Kentucky and Jared of Kushner licked the tassels of their sovereign’s stylish Italian loafers, Odious Rex Vulgaris raged in his rented, gilded palace. He fired his most trusted acolytes because they could not understand the emptiness and cynicism in his withered soul for they had little faith in the Pharisees of QAnon and Info Wars. Melania, the sultry Balkan Queen of Very Expensive Consorts, and Ivanka, Princess of Wal-mart Jewellery, went shopping. Donny Junior, the heir apparent, realizing both the absence of enlightenment and the teachings of Christ in the void of his father’s raisin heart, dispatched hastily penned screeds to the leaders of hostile foreign powers and private offshore banks asking for the grace only they could bestow upon the patriarch and himself. Indeed, there was evil in the White House Rose Garden or at least on the other side of the unscalable and unclimbable multiple sets of temporary barriers.

Lo, though mired in his despair, even Odious Rex Vulgarus understood he must keep his covenant with his people, about half of them anyway. Alas, there was no sign from God on the lush fairways of Virginia, just a scorecard to be fiddled with. Verily, maybe, the pollster oracles spoke falsely of the Chosen One with his Proud Boys standing by.

The vox populi echoed with the words of the prophets. The first words came on the archangel wings of the Byrds: “I’ll probably feel a whole lot better when you’re gone.” And a Motley Crue of Samaritans, Philistines, Nubians and Romans gathered outside the Pennsylvania Avenue gate of the shining mansion: “Don’t go away mad, just go away.” Light shone down from the heavens, and the people (about half of them anyway) saw that graciousness, dignity and common sense were rays of hope. Thus it came to pass, eventually, that Odious Rex Vulgarus, blinded by the light, fell off his high steed whilst travelling along the road toward a second term of global chaos.

Peace be with you.                       

meGeoff has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of apocrypha since 2013. Sign up for e-mail alerts from the Crooked 9, use that thingy on the right. The second wave is here and winter is coming; you’ll need a distraction.