SAINTS PRESERVE US
The Eternal Running of the Heaven Stakes
The
scene is an immense, infinite oval track. The infield is filled, rife with promises,
rituals, weapons of all types, instruments of torture, sacred texts, and
religious icons including statuary, stained glass and paintings. The
grandstand, large enough to seat every person on the planet is decorated with
festive bunting. Hawkers move about selling souvenirs, hope and hypocrisy.
Geoff: If you’re just joining us, welcome
to the Heaven Stakes, the longest and longest-running race in the history of
humanity. Track conditions are poor, the weather is abysmal and there is
darkness all around. That said, this race has never been about the present so
much as the reward beyond the finish line. Some have mused that the closed
nature of the loop is beyond irony. I’m Geoff your host, sharing the booth with
me, as usual, is the Other Voice in My Head.
Other Voice in My Head: Hi, Geoff. Great to
be here. Glad to be alive and living in the moment.
G: Likewise, O.V. Good to hear your voice
again. And just to recap: the Atheists and Existentialists were early scratches
and the Puritans and Quakers have dropped out.
OViMH: But hold your horses, it’s still a
very crowded and complicated field. You know, Geoff, I always figured there are,
what, three or four major religions on Earth?
G: You would think, O.V. But then you start
talking about history, about sects and schisms…
OViMH: Don’t forget the culties!
G: And the members of various cults… By the
way, this just in, the Raelians have killed themselves.
OViMH: That’s no way to run a race, you
need to compete. Be more like the Mormons with a few extra fillies on the track,
if you know what I mean.
G: The Catholics have changed jockeys, but
still, there’s a tremendous amount of baggage to be hauled, centuries’ worth.
OViMH: So, Geoff, who do you like in this
contest, this Run for Our Souls? I mean, there’s plenty to choose from and so
where do you place your bet? By the same token, it’s a wager you can’t afford
to lose, really. Or can you? Does any of it matter? Is it just an intellectual
game?
G: Tough question, O.V. It’s all a human
construct, isn’t it? The Lutherans have been complaining about the rules for
500 years. The Jews recently gained a home field advantage and you’ve got to
like that chip on their shoulder. I wonder if the zealot strategy of the Sunnis
and Shiites will backfire. Tough call.
OViMH: Well, you know the Seventh Day
Adventists will always be a day late. And when was the last time you saw a
Jehovah’s Witness? Get it?
G: You’re killing me, O.V. Hang on, there’s
an orange, fiery flash down on the straightaway. I smell sulphur. It looks like
Satan’s making a move. Audacious! He’s opened up a fast lane, a veritable
highway! He’s on the inside approaching the turn!
OViMH: He’s always had an intense, albeit
small group of supporters. They make their presence known everywhere you go.
G: Look at that little devil go! We could
all be going to Hell, O.V.! But don’t bet on it! Here come the Baptists! The
Baptists, so prim, pinched and proper, are giving chase! They’re calling for
donations to run the dark horse off the track!
OViMH: A little tithing will do ya,
apparently. Got to love those plucky evangelicals. Let’s see that again in
slow-motion.
G: Here we go. Satan cuts to the inside
past the Sikhs and the Anglicans. You can see the Baptists begin to thump the
bejesus out of their horse ‘Bible.’
OViMH: Freeze it, freeze it right there.
Now, look at the rear of the pack. Behind even the Parsees and the Pantheistic
Mythologies, you can see the Buddhists. It’s as if their heads are in the
clouds or something, as if the race has little or no meaning. Cool, calm,
collected, la-di-da, laid back, they’re just so, so…
G: Zen?
OViMH: I was going to say, out of it, Rasta, almost: 'Every little thing's going to be all right.'
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