A FAN’S NOTES

You Could’ve Called

Last week the Globe and Mail reported that police officers in a Toronto suburb were summoned to a residence to intervene in a domestic dispute. Neighbours became concerned upon hearing repeated shouts of ‘I hope you die!’ The violent argument was between a man and his pet parrot. No charges were laid as the incident was a classic he said/it said situation. Alcohol was involved.

A couple of Googles and a few minutes online revealed that there are nearly 400 species of parrots. Some are as intelligent as a four- or five-year-old child, able not to just mimic speech but string together sentences. Parrots are notoriously high maintenance pets who become easily bored, bred with an avian ennui if you will, an unfortunate trait as they can live to be as old as 100. I got to wondering what could cause an eruption between a man and his parrot.

Man: Hi! I’m home, sorry I’m late.

Parrot: Squawk

Man: Oh, don’t be like that. I told you I was going to watch some playoff hockey at the pub.

Parrot: One period, you said. One pint, you said. Watch Crosby, you said. Look at the time! You could’ve called. You could’ve called.

Man: I know; I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you. The game went into O.T. Anyway, it’s not as if you can answer the phone.

Parrot: You’re drunk. You’re drunk.

Man: Yep. And I’m going to have another.

Parrot: Squawk

Man: Hic

Parrot: What do you care about hockey in April? April! Your Leafs finished last again. Last again.

Man: Do you have to bring that up?

Parrot: Shanny and Coach Canada are going to right the ship. Right the ship.

Man: Shut up!

Parrot: Just like Dougie Gilmour and Mats! And Mats! Crystal Wendy made of glass! Made of glass!

Man: Shut up!

Parrot: Their last Cup in nineteen sixty-seven. Sixty-seven! I remember! I remember! You don’t. You weren’t born. You weren’t born!

Man: Shut up! Shut up before I…

Parrot: Before you what? Before you what? Loser! Loser!

Man: Hic

Parrot: Loser! Loser! Leafs Nation! Leafs Nation! Loser! Loser!

Man: Can we discuss this tomorrow? Please? I’ve got to get up in the morning.

Parrot: Burkie, Burkie rebuild!

Man: SHUT UP!

Parrot: Harold Ballard.

Man: SHUT UP AND DIE! I HOPE YOU DIE!

Parrot: Squawk

Man: Hic

Parrot: Tie Domi.

Man: DIE! I HOPE YOU DIE!

Parrot: Gary Leeman.

Man: DIE! DIE! I HOPE YOU DIE, YOU FEATHERED FUCK! I HOPE YOU DIE!

Parrot: Darcy Tucker.

Man: FUCK YOU! FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Parrot: Knock, knock. Someone’s at the door. At the door. Knock, knock.