SAINTS PRESERVE US
Artesia Screamed in Vain
Advertising when pared to its core is a
simple proposition. In exchange for your attention, you will be provided with
information. Even a kid who operates a sidewalk refreshment table gets it. The
sign reads: lemonade (item), 25-cents (price). That’s everything a neighbour
with a bit of spare change needs to know.
Alberta is Canada’s
largest prairie province. Its borders contain almost a quarter million square
miles of land. When the Alberta edition of the
Globe and Mail, Canada’s national newspaper, drops
six mornings a week it has to cover a lot of turf.
On Saturday, March 21 I was struck by a
golf ball. Actually, it was a massive picture of a golf ball that took up half
of the real estate available in a full page colour ad. The bracketed headline
read: BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO GOOD LIVING ARTESIA IS THE PERFECT PRESCRIPTION.
A smaller graphic icon near the top of the ad exhorted me to: LIVE OPEN WITH
ARTESIA. This icon was the hub for a series of spoked instructions to: LIVE
OPEN WITH CONFIDENCE and LIVE OPEN WITH PROMISE. I noticed other smaller
pictures: a butterfly, wildflowers, trees.
What, I wondered, is Artesia? A drug? A
golf course? An obscure Prussian duchy where Biggles, Algy and Ginger once
outwitted the devilish Hun? The body copy began: 5 MINUTES FROM YOUR FIRST
PATIENT, 5 MINUTES FROM THE 1ST TEE BOX. This polished nugget of claptrap
made things even more confusing. The next sentence read: Located just minutes from the South Health Campus, Artesia puts you in
the heart of everything that matters to you, including luxurious living.
Ah, assisted living for semi-retired
medical doctors, perhaps? How many can there be? But where, oh where, is the
heart of everything that matters to me? And where is the South Health Campus?
The logo on the giant golf ball read: ARTESIA AT HERITAGE POINTE. Heritage
Pointe, complete with the twee ‘e.’ I was pretty sure the amenities at Heritage
Pointe included shoppes and maybe even Ye Olde Pub, but where was Heritage Pointe
when it was at home? Alberta
is a big place and there are four major cities in this province. The pace of development in these urban centres is such that even long time locals would be hard-pressed to name all of the new communities which have sprung up on the outskirts of each.
The ad went on to list the viewing hours of
Artesia’s stunning show homes. Yet not a hint as to location, location,
location. Oh, wait! Down there, way down there at the bottom: LIVEATARTESIA.COM.
The web site read: A PLACE TO DROP YOUR SHOULDERS AND BREATHE. Virtual Artesia
was becoming more mystical even as it promoted poor posture. It got better: WELCOME TO A PLACE WHERE BEING GREEN
WASN’T AN AFTERTHOUGHT, IT WAS OUR FIRST THOUGHT. Aw, it’s not easy being green,
everybody knows that, so that sentiment climate changed the cockles of my heart. LIVE OPEN
WITH TRUST. Om, yes. But where!?
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