EAT ME

 

Junk Food Science

 

A Postmedia News story in this morning’s Edmonton Journal reports on new research by a team at Newfoundland’s Memorial University which attempts to measure the propensity of food addiction (if it exists) in Canada. Food addiction (if it exists) may also be a contributing factor to obesity - now there’s a tenuous limb to waddle out on. The study’s sole participant was one J. Wellington Wimpy who told researchers, ‘I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.’

 

Food addiction did not exist when I was growing up; of course I was eating my mother’s cooking. Pork chops made from real Corinthian leather. Around 1976 or so I radically revamped my diet and began eating mostly beer. Beer is right up there with the litany of great human achievement, from the invention of the wheel, the husbandry of fire, the concept of the arch with its unique structural strength, movable type and the steam engine. Beer isn’t addictive at all although it tastes good, is full of vital nutrients and acts as a reliable coping medicine.

 

The research seems to suggest that certain foods have an effect on food addicts (if they exist) similar to a cocaine high. The scientists did not specify what these foods are but I need to know. Maybe I can buy a pallet at Costco and circumvent the genuine ‘Cocaine Blues.’

 

The Postmedia News reporter also alluded to a strong and pervasive odor of pot in the researchers’ lab. In what perhaps may be related news, a spokesperson for the Sobey’s grocery chain today announced that there’s not a single Oreo cookie to be had in all of Newfoundland and Labrador.