SAINTS PRESERVE US

The CEO’s Dilemma

The scene is a well-appointed private office. Dark wood bookshelves stuffed with framed diplomas, journals and textbooks stand behind a heavy, ornate desk inlaid with a gilt pattern. The fixtures, the lamp, the floor ashtray, are brass. A man wearing a rumpled tweed jacket sits in a leather wingback chair, a fountain pen and notebook on his lap, a cigar, just a cigar, in his hand. In the foreground, another man in an expensive Italian suit lies on a backless couch, his head resting against the scroll at one end. Smoke swirls in the muted light.

Chief Executive Officer: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Doctor. I’m in the middle of an existential crisis.

Doctor: Hmm? What has precipitated this suddenly agitated state of affairs? Your progress to date has been remarkable.

CEO: As you well know, I provide leadership to a multinational corporation. On my watch, we have embraced our social responsibilities to the best of our abilities. I have always made the well-being of our customers and employees a priority, sometimes to the dismay of our shareholders and the derision of industry analysts.

Dr: We’ve addressed your feelings of enhanced self-esteem and affirmation in previous discussions. Now you have doubts?

CEO: God knows I’ve tried to be a good corporate citizen.

Dr: What has changed, hmm? Please continue.

CEO: One member of our family of legacy brands is laundry detergent. We’ve reinvented the category numerous times before. We eliminated phosphates; transformed flakes into powders, powders into liquids, liquids into concentrated liquids. Remember in the nineties when every product sold - cola, beer, dish soap - had to be clear? Well, we transformed detergents, cleaners, into gels. The Marketing people wondered if we could colour the gels to match a brand’s logo and packaging. Research and Development got on board, and then they came up with the idea of an organic plastic pod container that would not dissolve quite entirely but at least breakdown quickly enough in hot water into smaller molecules; less petroleum in other words, and decay within hours instead of centuries. Brilliant! The perfect measure of detergent for every washing machine or dishwasher load for every home supplied pre-packaged. No spills. No muss. Just reliability and convenience.

Dr: Genius, hmm?

CEO: Thank you. So I thought. One hundred times better than our flushable baby wipes that didn’t flush, I thought. Trouble is that teenagers around the globe have started gobbling our gel detergent pods by the fistful, like candy. The products are so attractive, swirling primary colours. It’s some kind of craze we inadvertently helped create.

Dr: Mass hysteria, hmm? But surely laundry detergent is poisonous?

CEO: Thank you for your valued input, Sigmund. Of course it is. You’d have to be insane to ingest one. It’s been a public relations nightmare. There are actually people out there who think we somehow engineered this fiasco on purpose, started the whole thing for publicity. Trust me, I’m not that devious nor is anybody who works for me. We make and sell quality soap. And yet…

Dr: Go on.

CEO: On the other hand, our brand awareness has since achieved an absolutely staggering level of familiarity. We’re getting column inches in the traditional press and trending upward on social media. Sales of our detergent pods and their sister brand dishwasher pods are soaring. I’m taking calls from restaurant and bar chains who want to use them as ice cubes, convenience retailers who want to stock them on the bulk confectionary aisle.

Dr: How does this make you feel?

CEO: Massive opportunity knocks! Take the detergent pod challenge! Eat as many as you can! Put them in your Slurpees and martinis! Die! I’m torn.

Dr: Surely you cannot murder your customers?

CEO: Why not? Other industries do: guns, alcohol, tobacco, opioids. Maybe I can just make them as sick as the processed food and soda corporations do? Maybe I can sell them vehicles with safety mechanisms that deploy like hand grenades? Maybe I can sell them brand new homes, leaky firetraps? Doctor, cleanliness is next to godliness and God help me this is the only consumer behaviour we’ve tried to encourage through the loyal usage of our innovative gel pod detergent products. But, you know if people want to eat them, I’m not pulling them from the shelves; I’m not to blame. In fact, I’m inclined to make more. Maybe add fruit flavouring, blue raspberry, citrus.  

Dr: Hmm, I have a sense of your dilemma. You are conflicted. Your feelings remain unresolved. However, our session is coming to a close. Would you like to book another appointment?

CEO: Things are busy at head office, top floor boardroom bustle. I was lucky to get away today for an hour. I’m of two minds, Doctor.

Dr: This I understand of course, hmm?