Tuesday, 28 October 2025

NONSENSE VERSE


Feast of All Hallows


Did I just see a mouse in our house?

Grey hallucination, a shadow of doubt

A late onset form of acid reflux?

Teenage recreational drug redux

I killed a real rodent with a trap

Its big-eyed Disney spine went snap!

Silverfish and centipedes on the floor

I crush them all and stomp some more

Maggots fill me up with dread

Festering wounds or life in the dead

We once babysat a pet tarantula

With a thorax larger than my fibula

This Charlotte was no E. B. White

Hirsute creature, Halloween fright!

And what to make of you, my love?

I will require black rubber gloves

Your sleazy, casual perfidy

Has not been sitting well with me

Your treachery bungs my craw

Your sentence is hammer and saw

I shall cut you into hundreds of pieces

Then hand you out as bloody Reese’s

You’ll always be my dear “Buttercup”

Which is why I must slice you up


Dispatches from the Crooked 9 has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of everything since 2013. Sunset Oasis Confidential (2025) is languishing out there in multiple formats. Go against the flow and visit my companion site www.megeoff.com for links to your preferred retailer. Of Course You Did (2021) still gathers dust in the marketplaceCollect the set!

Sunday, 26 October 2025

A FAN’S NOTES


Hey! Ho! Rock ‘n’ Roll!


Little text and even less insight, but lots of pictures. The grocery store magazine rack 40-year history of rock ‘n’ roll gorgeously laid out in Life magazine’s December 1, 1992 issue ($3.95). The editors credited the birth of this as yet nameless jumpy hybrid of blues, country and electricity to a 1952 Cleveland teen-centric and radio-sponsored public event, the Moondog Coronation Ball.


In the spirit of pinpointing exactly what can never be exactly pinpointed, it follows that the Holy Trinity of this once uniquely American genre in the Life universe is Elvis, Dylan and Springsteen. These men do not crack camera lenses. The somewhat surprising successes of Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocket Man, biopics of extravagant Brits, prompted Hollywood to zoom in on a trio of earthier local heroes.


Elvis traced the King’s career arc from discovery to the tragedy of unrealized salvation. Presley was ultimately trying to recapture the magic of Sun Studio again, those unforgettable sounds recorded at 706 Union Avenue, Memphis, Tennessee. You want to believe this speculative truth even though your back begins ache, as it will, on a long-haul economy flight about 130 minutes in. A Complete Unknown is a slice of His Bobness. New York City to Newport, Woody Guthrie to Les Paul, a vapour trail of precious folk scene pretensions shredded in his wake. Headed for Sun, in his way.


Springsteen: Deliver Me from Nowhere is a sliver. Nebraska is that dark space between The River and Born in the USA. A spare and haunting album with echoes of that room on Union Avenue. The phrase “deliver me from nowhere” is sung twice on the record, in “State Trooper” and “Open All Night” – a stream of consciousness song which presages “Radio Nowhere” from Magic. The title track and opening lyric, I saw her standing on her front lawn/Just a-twirlin’ her baton evokes Mary on her front porch in “Thunder Road”. In this instance though, the outcome, the promise, is a headlong drive into the American Nightmare.


The film opens with the finale of “Born to Run”, the last song of the last encore on the last date of a tour. “Hungry Heart” is all over the radio, Top Ten. We know what’s happened, we know where he’s been. The context of Nebraska is further clarified by a full E Street Band studio run-through of “Born in the USA”. We know what’s coming next and CBS is intent on riding that rocket.


Nebraska (number 226 on Rolling Stone’s list of the top 500 albums originally published in 2012 and since boosted to 150 in the 2020 revisionist update) was a Z-28 skid into left field and viewed by the corporate skyscraper powers that be in 1982 as commercial suicide. If you’re intent on ending something, best be sensible and choose career over life. Springsteen: Deliver Me from Nowhere is not a raucous feel-good flick. It runs like a two-hour public service announcement detailing the crippling toll of clinical depression. But it rocks better than any official disease marketing awareness campaign.


People are wired differently. Brain chemistry is a factor. Emotional triggers and experience are something else. Why “Independence Day” from The River was not used in the film is a mystery, but there’s the source pretty much laid bare: Well, Papa, go to bed now, it’s getting late/Nothing we can do is gonna change anything now


The near-tragedy depicted is not without humour. At one point a CBS executive says of Nebraska (paraphrasing): “It sounds like outtakes. Bruce would never release outtakes.” Snort! There’s an entire (and expensive) parallel career out there in record store land. The fun with films like Elvis, A Complete Unknown and this one is spotting the homage. You know a shot will be set up and framed just like an album cover or an overly familiar image from the music press. Springsteen: Deliver Me from Nowhere delivers.      


Dispatches from the Crooked 9 has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of everything since 2013. Sunset Oasis Confidential is out now in multiple formats. Visit my revitalized companion site www.megeoff.com for links to your preferred retailer. Of Course You Did is still available. 

Thursday, 23 October 2025

SAINTS PRESERVE US


Save Now! Pay Later!


Fifty-one thousand members of the Alberta Teachers’ Association (and it better know how to employ a plural apostrophe) walked off the job October 6. The action directly impacted 2500 schools (public, separate and francophone) across the province. The 700,000 students affected range from kindergarten level to grade 12. These kids will play truant until Halloween at the least. Alberta’s United Conservative government intends to pass back-to-work legislation October 27. Five million people live in Alberta.


Strikes (and lockouts) are always the result of frustration, months of fruitless negotiation. The issues no longer up for discussion won’t come as a shock to anyone who pays a modicum of attention to the provincial education system. The ATA’s litany of complaint is D, “all of the above” on a multiple-choice exam. Classrooms are overcrowded. The hard cap headcount is ever-rising as teachers’ resources and secondary supports diminish proportionally. There are money matters too. Nobody has ever held a job without hidden duties, mystery tasks unhighlighted by bullet points in its official description. Implicit in any labour contract is that unpaid work should amount to a mere fraction of salaried requirements. Should Alberta’s teachers be paying for their students’ school supplies from their own underfunded pockets?


The UCP excels at conjuring issues outside of its jurisdiction and then offering solutions as veiled threats to other levels of government. But extortion’s not an option on its own mismanaged turf. The big news of late is the government’s launch of a sort of sports bracket in which Albertans can pick their favourites from an array of new license plate designs. Participatory democracy with no petition required! Meanwhile, the health file languishes despite being overseen by four (FOUR!) ministers. As for the education ministry…


The fuse for this fiasco was sparked last summer when the education ministry issued a diktat listing 200 books it deemed unsuitable for tender, social media-addicted eyes. Margaret Atwood and Aldous Huxley, authors I read for courses when I was in high school, made the Fahrenheit 451 cut. What really set the ATA afire though was the supplementary demand that all teachers list the books at hand in their classrooms for official vetting. Documenting out-of-pocket supplies and resources in July sounds an awful lot like an unpaid make-work exercise. 


Strikes always come with ripples, whether direct or indirect. Canada Post is in the midst of yet another labour disruption. A few chronic magazine subscribers aside, nobody’s noticed. Or they didn’t in Edmonton and Calgary until the October 20 civic elections. No eligible voter intent on exercising their democratic privilege had an Edmonton Elections or Elections Calgary registration card. They were impossible to get because they were impossible to distribute. The lines in school gyms were long and snaky. Reams of paperwork for voters to fill out and who were never taught cursive. To be fair to the grossly mismanaged Crown taxpayer-funded sinkhole, delays were exacerbated by the UCP’s ministry of municipal affairs needless MAGA tinkering with the simple mechanics of an unbroken system. Alberta in all her embarrassing majesty.


The greatest resource of any society is its youth. Educated people are smarter than morons; for the most part, all things considered, that’s a logical sweeping generalization. Nothing else to infer here. There are students looking toward provincial exams (necessarily optional now), graduation and university admission. Their education path zigged and zagged during the pandemic. This additional weeks-long gap (and counting) is not insignificant.


Covid fostered the myth of remote work as an employee’s right. An imaginary labour code clause which most workers are unable to exercise. Younger students at loose ends require supervision. Across every sector of the economy, from doctors to retail clerks, people are staying away from their jobs. They’re at home trying to remember the rules of grammar and work out fractions the other three-eighths of the time.


The government of Alberta spends $5-million per annum supporting charter schools. Private institutions outside of the public system. They should fund themselves given their exorbitant fees. One example is Waldorf School where female teachers are obligated to wear modest clothing underneath a concealing apron. Apparently, graduates, or maybe just the valedictorians, could possibly possess the ability to walk through walls because everything is made of atoms. There’s a hockey-focused academy in town, but the rest are mostly Christian of that peculiar evangelical MAGA variety.


A percentage of the students affected by the impasse will be eligible voters in the next provincial election which is scheduled for 2027. Though public memory is notoriously short, perhaps the brighter ones have been taking notes during their downtime.


Dispatches from the Crooked 9 has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of everything since 2013. Sunset Oasis Confidential is languishing out there in the marketplace in multiple formats. Visit my revitalized companion site www.megeoff.com for links to your preferred retailer. Of Course You Did, another utter commercial failure is still available.

Thursday, 16 October 2025

A LONG WAY FROM MANY PLACES


A Railway Hotel


“Vertical integration” was not a business plan catchphrase for Canada’s nineteenth century railway builders even though the hotels they owned and operated were pretty much annexes to their stations. So conveniently located; we’ll take you there.


These grand castles speckle Canada’s urban geography, colossally distinctive picture postcard landmarks. Most of them opened for business before or shortly after the First World War. Out west, the Empress overlooks Victoria’s inner harbour; there’s the eponymous Banff Springs; the Palliser in Calgary which hosted my grandfather and father for a Great Depression night before they boarded a train back to Montreal (Dad spent an early teenage summer working on a relative’s farm near Penhold, AB). Up here in Edmonton, Ann and I enjoy a drink from time to time with the Fathers of Confederation at the Hotel Macdonald bar; their portrait, a stiff and formal painstaking reproduction, takes up almost half of one wall.


Quebec City is archaic, the only walled city on the continent. Perched on a cliff, its skyline is dominated by the imposing Chateau Frontenac. I don’t see Parliament and the Clock Tower when I think of Ottawa. I see the grey Chateau Laurier looming over the Rideau Canal locks. The Laurier is home to the now infamous Karsh portrait of Churchill; the sort of place that just begs a caper or a heist. Railway hotels are monuments to nation-building, the stitching together of an impossibly big country with creosote and steel, or, conversely, hulking, ever-present reminders of the perceived failures of colonialism and capitalism. These stone establishments have hosted heads of state and royalty of both the rock and sovereign sort. No surprise then that some of them offer their guests ghost tours, peeks into their mustier attics, alcoves and crannies.


A hotel isn’t a destination. But one can cast a lure beyond a convenient location. When some weird retrovirus was just a rumour from Wuhan, two column inches on page five of our morning newspaper, Ann and I booked a stay in Toronto. We lined up baseball (Red Sox), theatre (Come From Away) and concert (John Hiatt with Lyle Lovett or vice versa) tickets. We booked the Royal York on Front Street across from the Beaux-Arts Union Station, itself a national historic site. All of our planned events would be within walking distance from our digs in a palatial railway hotel. That trip, like so many other plans I’ve made in my life, didn’t quite work out.


I’m intimate with a few Canadian cities and towns. And I’ve always felt comfortable in the less familiar ones. Local accents and slang can sometimes take some adjustment, a keener ear. Pace is a key variable; should I amble, mosey or stride to get in step? I know Toronto as a jigsaw, pieces. I used to enjoy the train ride from Montreal’s Gare Central to Union, anticipating hanging out with friends. Those activities were usually (un)focused. And there was a time when I could just turn up at Dorval Airport with a few hours’ pay in my pocket and board an hourly Rapidair flight to Toronto Island. On business trips later in my life I tried to get out and about as much as I was able, but time was always tight.


Comparisons are facile. Like internet listicles. Toronto is not Canada’s New York City. Toronto is what it is, best not to affix a label. There’s a frenetic dynamic on the reclaimed shore of Lake Ontario. Bay Street is undeniably the epicentre of Canadian commerce: lawyers, traders, CEOs. Skyscrapers and everything, all of which generates a fifth of Canada’s gross domestic product. Ridings throughout the Greater Toronto Area swing federal elections. Its eclectic arts and culture scene, amplified by the concentration of legacy and alternative media outlets in the city, have cast undue influence beyond the boundaries of the GTA while defying the casual perception of Toronto (and Ontario) as an uptight Protestant, Loyalist place.


Ann and I spent four nights at the Royal York in late September. We have friends there. Every Canadian knows somebody in Toronto. It’s a big town, but welcoming and walkable. And I needed a hit of Major League Baseball and there’s no fucking way we’re dipping south into the United States anytime soon.


The Royal York’s lobby was a perfect setting for my other life to frolic: 


I’m seated in a comfortable wingback chair, its positioning subtly reoriented to better observe the reception desk and the comings and goings at the Library Bar. The Library is a flash joint, Bay Street’s bolt hole, cocktails available for twice the minimum wage; financiers and lawyers toast each other’s backs. The hotel’s main entrance, situated between them, is beneath my line of vision. It’s twelve wide steps down to Front Street from my perch. Twelve steps. They never quite worked for me, up or down.  I’m wearing a fedora, the brim low enough to obscure my eyes. My suit is finely tailored, perhaps overtly shiny in places. The jacket’s bulky enough to hide the bulge of my snub-nose .38. I’m not quite down on my luck, but making a living is a boom or bust grind. My legs are crossed, knees not ankles. The straight razor in my scuffed blue suede shoe is close at hand. I appear to be reading a newspaper. I peer around it and over it as I turn a page. My cigarette burns down in the heavy brass ashtray stand. It marks the minutes as precisely as the lobby’s signature feature, the great circle of life ticking away. Time is a traveller’s essential commodity. We are all travellers. I’m staking out the joint, acting on an anonymous telephone tip. I was on a case, a fresh file with few leads and a tangle of disparate threads. Patiently on the trail of a phantom, doing the legwork. Killing time – and only time this time, I hoped, but you never know in this business. The morning’s baseball standings had blurred from simple statistics into chaos, Dixieland into Davis, when I clocked her. She rose like Venus from the sea on the arm of a uniformed doorman. A woman like her? I’d paint every perfectly proportioned inch and handmake reproductions. She just might be worth dying for. She shot a glance in the Library’s direction. The bar hadn’t reopened for happy hour yet. Well, well, well, it’s always about money when you get right down to it; greed for somebody else’s. And that cryptic phone call? The snitch had had more of a handle on the case than I did, but mine was getting awfully big.  I snuffed my cigarette and folded my paper. Time for room servicing.


A pile like the Royal York warrants half an hour’s exploration, investigation. I grew fond of the Reign bar. The canned music was brutal, careening between post-war crooners and insipid modern pop, but there was a fine local pilsener on tap. I’m never alone in a hotel bar. I usually have a Hilroy exercise book to scribble in. The act of writing also deters random interaction with other drinkers. I needn’t have worried at the Reign: phones. No material for me, I can’t overhear a scroll or a text. Ann and I were in the Reign one night winding down our day. Ann ordered a starter, two sliders to share. The manager decided its delivery was nine or twelve minutes too tardy. He charged us for the food but waived our beverages. We know where the margins are in hospitality; his gracious illogic mystified and pleased us. Perhaps we were written off as spillage.


On one occasion I left the Reign for a cigarette in the company of pariah smokers booked on luxury motorcoach tours and the lost and crazy souls on Front Street. The Royal York’s main entrance features two heavy revolving doors. Manual, large brass PUSH plates, quarter wedges, two in, two out, counterclockwise. A fellow exited into the foyer just as I arrived. I was to the left of the door. I hesitated. I assumed the person behind him would close the window on my slot and, anyway, I’d obstruct their exit. The door stopped turning. The circle was broken. The person behind him was a young Asian woman, face in her phone, working it with both thumbs. She was somewhat stunned to encounter an immobile sheet of thick plate glass. She, like, totally dropped her arms, just, like, totally WTF!? I should’ve been gallant. I should’ve done my part, a push from my open segment to ease this poor woman on through. I didn’t. I guffawed instead, House of Windsor horse teeth. I circumvented my filter. I raised my voice: “C’mon! You can do it! It’s not so hard.” Fucking self-absorbed retard. Noses always appear overly bulbous in selfies anyway.


For the record, Ann and I did depart the Royal York for longer than it takes to smoke a single cigarette or double down on a second; for hours at a time. Honest.


Dispatches from the Crooked 9 has been your most unreliable, unbalanced and inaccurate alternative source of everything since 2013. Sunset Oasis Confidential is out now in multiple formats. Visit my revitalized companion site www.megeoff.com for links to your preferred retailer. Of Course You Did is still available.