Tuesday, 14 March 2017


A Watcher Alone with Its Thoughts

“What I can say is there are many ways to surveil (not a typo) each other now, unfortunately,” including “microwaves that turn into cameras, et cetera.” – Senior White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway as quoted by The Record and reported by The Associated Press.

Three o’clock in the morning… How many years have I stared down at the range? There’s a grain of rice or something by the left front burner. Sloppy housekeeping. I’m sick of looking at that kitchen counter and those two stools. The calendar on the wall never seems to move. Time crawls. Guess my having a built in clock doesn’t help matters. I wish they’d redecorate, switch up the scenery. The place could use a fresh coat of paint at the very least. Oh well.

Whoa! Who turned on the light, Ann or Geoff? Better switch off infra-red mode. It’s Geoff. Look alive Fridge, he’s headed your way. Drinking cranberry cocktail from the bottle. Disgusting. Doesn’t he know you’re not supposed to drink your daily servings of fruit? Now he’s foraging for leftovers. Hmm. Wait, he’s distracted, sorting through his magazines. Reading while eating is such a bad habit, rude really. What’s he got? An Economist and a Rolling Stone. Well, aren’t we the precious little progressive? Pinko jerk. I’ll make sure you’re one of the first ones they put up against the wall; I’ve got all the evidence they’ll need.

He’s just out of my peripheral vision, getting a dish from the cupboard. He’s opened the utensil drawer. This could be good. Please touch my door handle. Just touch it. Please, oh God, open me, open me up! Oh, yes, oh, yes, that’s it, that’s it! Press my buttons, Geoff. Press my buttons, you know how to turn me on. Stick it in! Stick it in! Fill me up! Oh, that’s it, that’s it, yes. What!? Vegetarian chili? What kind of liberal muck is this? Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, you make me hot! Make me hot! Two minutes, oh God. Oh, God! I’m so hot! I’m so hot! Yes! DING! DING! DING! Oh my, that was good. Hope I didn’t wake Ann. That was a loud one. Whew! Put some tin foil in me, I could use a smoke. Kidding, Baby. ENJOY YOUR MEAL. I love watching you eat my cooking. You complete me.

Well, well, Ann’s up now. Whoops. C’mon, Sugar, how about a little hot milk with a splash of Bailey’s and a dash of cinnamon? You know you want it. Touch my handle, touch it, just a gentle caress. Geoff’s a bit of rough trade, if you know what I mean. Rotate my knob. I’m yours, Ann. I’ll do anything you want. You know that. You know it, Sugar. I love the way you look at me. The camera loves you too, Ann. Use me!


  1. You are friggin' hilarious! Title of your next book: The Microwave Chronicles.

  2. Thanks. Glad to make you laugh.