SAINTS PRESERVE US
A Letter to the Prime Minister
Hey, hope the salutation’s not too informal. We’re Canadian, eh? Anyway I’m older than you and while I respect the office you hold, I don’t want you to infer likewise vis-à-vis yourself. No hard feelings, it’s you not me.
Election coming up next year. That’s got to be weighing on your mind what with trying to reform the Senate, the Supreme Court of Canada and the electoral act. Maybe reform wasn’t the best word? Shall we settle for fix or perhaps mould? The Pierre Poutine robocalls thing won’t go away. The cabinet talent’s looking pretty thin, veneer, especially since your finance minister resigned. And there’s been a lot of movement among your unelected minions, certainly some of it worrisome. Let’s not even talk about the loons nesting in your backbenches.
I get that there’s no such thing as climate change, extreme weather is just a series of anomalies although I’m glad I don’t work as an underwriter in the insurance industry nor have to certify building materials for the Canadian Standards Association. The toll on infrastructure is a municipal problem granted, not your concern. But climate change seems to be a big issue in the corridors of power throughout Washington, D.C. Maybe that’s why Obama is dragging his ass on the ‘no-brainer’ (your words) Keystone XL file? Congress is dysfunctional. Fortunately you don’t have to deal with legislative gridlock – you just ram omnibus bills through, right? No debate! Trains will work for moving tar sands goop, Plan B. Rolling stock is reliable provided the tanker cars aren’t already filled with rotting grain and the tracks have been properly inspected and maintained. Easy.
Can’t believe Tsar Putin cut that energy deal with China! Did that Northern Gateway window close fast! Still, it looks to be a good excuse to revive the Cold War – I know you’re old fashioned that way, The Charge of the Light Brigade and all that. This time the Russians will face the guns of our, our… What the hell does the Royal Canadian Air Force fly again? Still CF-18s? Weren’t we supposed to get new fighters? Ones with engines? Maybe we attack them with stealth snowmobiles from a secret ice floe in the Arctic? Very Bond, Mr Harper.
You’ve always struck me as an uptight and often petty paranoid autocrat. In fact I’m mildly distressed that we share some common interests: we’re both passionate about the Beatles and hockey. And cats. Although I think your cat is the result of some surprisingly heeded advice from a long since dismissed backroom rainmaker. Anyway, you know how sometimes pet owners come to resemble their pets over time? It concerns me how a once respected sovereign and democratic nation can sometimes come to reflect its leader.
The CBC is not out to get you. See, the Mother Corporation has this thing about reporting news rather than Progressive Conservative Party messaging or spin. Weirdly, other Canadian media sources tend to adhere to the same principles. But relax! The Sun chain’s in your pocket. Ezra Levant loves you. Awkward fist bump, baby! Since Pierre Karl Peladeau stepped down to engineer his presidency of the future Republic of Quebec, Brian Mulroney has been anointed Sun’s new Sinatra, The Chairman of the Board. And Brian’s an old school Tory so you’re golden, Steve! Oh wait, there was that niggling little thing that Nigel didn’t see to. You remember the insanity about that second rate German arms dealer and the hundreds of thousands of small bills, legal tender, Brian’s accountants neglected to report as income? I think you assumed the legendary boy from Baie Comeau was on the take and therefore distanced yourself from him. Mistake. My sense is that someone who dost protest too much holds grudges and never forgets. In this instance maybe you really should watch your back.
Steve, I know you don’t read The Globe and Mail. I understand. I know you believe this publication wants to take you down. However the picture on yesterday’s front page was striking. One man wearing a white shirt facing down four camouflaged tanks in Tiananmen Square twenty-five years ago. That’s audacious. That’s gumption. That’s courage I hope I never have to find within myself. Yet I read on through the news section only to learn that Canada’s Government Operations Centre (GOC), part of our spidery national security apparatus, is actively seeking advance information on any protest or demonstration planned anywhere within this country. In other words, Canadian citizens freely gathering is now cause for alarm. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think, Steve? And today is the anniversary of D-Day; I don’t believe Canadians died on Juno Beach for your peculiar vision of liberty. I hear you, fuck Trudeau and fuck his Charter of Rights and Freedoms, eh? To top it off, the bastard’s whelp is more popular than you. That must be irksome.
Well, the spring session’s about to wrap up. The Hill will be quiet over the summer. Sorry it’s a scheduled break. I know you get more of a rush when you simply prorogue parliament. C’est la vie (that’s French for that’s life). Enjoy the summer!