Wednesday, 6 July 2016


If I’d Noah You Were Coming…

The Globe and Mail this morning carried a story about a new roadside attraction in the landlocked state of Kentucky. A Christian ministry known as Answers in Genesis has reconstructed Noah’s ark to biblical proportions aided by state tax incentives. The result, an anchor for a theme park, is official: 300 cubits bow to stern, 50 cubits port to starboard and 30 cubits high; this boat is not meant to float so no one’s really sure how much water it would displace or whether the gunwales would be swamped by placid ripples.

A cubit is an imprecise measurement based on the length between the point of your elbow and the tip of your middle finger. A meGeoff cubit is bigger than a Noah cubit because the human race has grown in stature over time as our living conditions and diets have improved; we are giants compared to the folk who populated medieval Europe. According to a helpful graphic in today’s National Post, the Kentucky creationist ark is more than half as long as the Titanic and would dwarf the Viking longships that came ashore in the New World at L’Anse aux Meadows around 1000 A.D.

Just 4000 years before the Vikings alit on what is now the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador God created the universe and everything in it. But He was unhappy with His cosmic selfie and after musing upon it late one Saturday night He warned Noah about a do-over because, you know, God can delegate. You look after everything; frankly, I’m not in the mood to start from scratch again. Consider this, I don’t know, Plan B. Noah probably grumbled at being handed the file. And then he had to start concentrating on Great Flood logistics. Okay, okay, birds and insects should be okay, well, the ones that fly anyway. Aquatic mammals, amphibians and fish? Fucking golden. So, just mammals and reptiles basically, mostly carnivores. What about microbes and viruses? Hang on, how am I going to feed all these fuckers for 40 days and nights? Cows! Pigs! Fucking extra cows and pigs! Brilliant!  Noah was the planet’s first caterer and event coordinator.

Visitors to the $100-million plus (US) ark park will be able to board the vessel. Inside they can explore and experience museum quality dioramas depicting Noah and his family, and mammals, reptiles and dinosaurs in their cages: rats, cats, anacondas and wooly mammoths alongside, honest, swear to God, velociraptors. Neither news story mentioned unicorns.

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