SAINTS PRESERVE US
A meGeoff exclusive! Leaked Canadian Tire
:30 TV commercial.
SCENE: The wide open entrance and interior
of an immaculate two-car garage. There’s not a spec of dust on the floor, not
even an eye dropper drip-sized oil stain. The walls are festooned with sporting
equipment, Mastercraft tools and Motomaster automotive products. An immense
metallic cube on castors quietly hums, emitting tennis ball green pulses of
light. It is plugged into a wall socket and attached to a garden hose. Fiddling
with its control panel is… the Canadian Tire Guy! – resurrected from years of
marketing exile and nights of long despair spent drinking and ruminating with
the Maytag Repairman, the oddly sinister Burger King and the Pillsbury
Doughboy. Canadian Tire Guy’s Spouse, her eyes full of adoration, looks on
approvingly. They are obviously quietly content being in each other’s company.
Their reveries are interrupted by their Hapless Inquisitive Neighbour.
Hapless Inquisitive Neighbour: Hi! Have you
been on holidays? (Nods toward metallic cube.) What’s that?
Canadian Tire Guy: It’s the Mastercraft
Home Nuclear Portable Power Station. It’s new at Canadian Tire.
HIN: Whoa, how’s it work?
CTG: Simple. (Points to garden hose.) Cold
fusion.
Canadian Tire Guy’s Spouse: Our home energy
costs will be reduced by as much as 95-per-cent!
CTG: And it’s just $499.99 at Canadian
Tire!
CTGS: And there’s an Optional Dirty Bomb
Attachment for just another $149.99!
HIN: Wow, that’s quite a boon for homegrown
terrorists across the country!
CTG: Except in Quebec
HIN: Oh? Why’s that?
CTGS: Because the government’s Charter of
Quebec Values will put paid to multicultural strife throughout the province.
CTG: Quebec
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