SAINTS PRESERVE US
A meGeoff exclusive! Leaked Canadian Tire :30 TV commercial.
SCENE: The wide open entrance and interior of an immaculate two-car garage. There’s not a spec of dust on the floor, not even an eye dropper drip-sized oil stain. The walls are festooned with sporting equipment, Mastercraft tools and Motomaster automotive products. An immense metallic cube on castors quietly hums, emitting tennis ball green pulses of light. It is plugged into a wall socket and attached to a garden hose. Fiddling with its control panel is… the Canadian Tire Guy! – resurrected from years of marketing exile and nights of long despair spent drinking and ruminating with the Maytag Repairman, the oddly sinister Burger King and the Pillsbury Doughboy. Canadian Tire Guy’s Spouse, her eyes full of adoration, looks on approvingly. They are obviously quietly content being in each other’s company. Their reveries are interrupted by their Hapless Inquisitive Neighbour.
Hapless Inquisitive Neighbour: Hi! Have you been on holidays? (Nods toward metallic cube.) What’s that?
Canadian Tire Guy: It’s the Mastercraft Home Nuclear Portable Power Station. It’s new at Canadian Tire.
HIN: Whoa, how’s it work?
CTG: Simple. (Points to garden hose.) Cold fusion.
Canadian Tire Guy’s Spouse: Our home energy costs will be reduced by as much as 95-per-cent!
CTG: And it’s just $499.99 at Canadian Tire!
CTGS: And there’s an Optional Dirty Bomb Attachment for just another $149.99!
HIN: Wow, that’s quite a boon for homegrown terrorists across the country!
CTG: Except in
of course. Quebec
HIN: Oh? Why’s that?
CTGS: Because the government’s Charter of Quebec Values will put paid to multicultural strife throughout the province.
c’est faire! (Chuckles.) The Mastercraft Home Nuclear Portable Power Station
with Optional Dirty Bomb Attachment. New this fall and only at Canadian Tire! Quebec